Simple Kim

Killer Gnat?

2007-03-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

Last night I took the teen to Walmart to get something and she (accidentally of course) ran into her boyfriend who WORKS there and as we were leaving she was telling him bye and from the back seat I hear the preschooler squealing like a stuck pig. I figured she saw a spider or a gnat or some other KILLER animal. I asked what was wrong and almost in tears she said "EEWWWWW! SISTER KISSED A BBBOOOOYYYYY!"

Let's Review!

2007-02-26T15:29:00.000-08:00

Saturday I saw the Beth Moore conference that was simulcast to over 500 churches across North America. Several of my friends have seen her before or have done her Bible studies but I hadn't until Saturday. WOW. She really is a good speaker. She is SOOO high energy. The conference was material was more than I can process in just a few days. It will take quite a bit of studying my notes and Bible before it all sinks in. Here are some of the highlights as I see them in my own words, along with some other random notes I took while there that were not clearly stated by her but noted all the same.

*Sometimes our pits are not a direct result of our sin but are sudden circumstantial changes.
*Sometimes we slip into a pit little by little. It might start out innocent or as a 'little' sin and might look more like a pot hole, but develops into the Grand Canyon
*Sometimes we KNOW it is a pit (sin) and jump in anyway.

*Beth has an amazing way of making people OWN UP TO IT, not by minimizing the sin but loving people anyway. Yep, I knew my biggest pit was a Grand Canyon and jumped in anyway!

*The enemy is not flesh and blood but he uses flesh and blood.
This simple statement speaks so clearly to me. Love the person, hate the sin...Even if I am that person.

*God can and wants to deliver me.

*Satan is GREEDY for my total destruction. Beth got lots of laughs when she said "Na Na Na Na Na!" to satan but the point really hung with me. Part of getting out of a pit is realizing that satan wants us totally separated from God. The fact that I am not, no matter how awful this pit is, is in itself a partial win. Accept that, and use the faith it produces to get out!

*God can not only handle it, but DESERVES it when I break down and CRY out to him. Not the prayer he gets when I am with other people, the calm and collected prayer it does have a good purpose...but the 'at the end of my rope' CRY to him out of total desperation prayer. This implies that I have to be desperate to get outta the pit. There in lies the problem. I personally have had to pray for the DESIRE to get out of a pit (although at the time I didn't call it a pit).

*I need to learn to grieve with my feet on The Rock.
Mourn and then move on! Get over myself!

*Satan can oppress but CANNOT, CANNOT, CANNOT possess me. :)

*He can and WILL kick me when I am down. Now that I know this, expect it and deal with it with my feel on The Rock.

*Out of nowhere I have a note to myself in all caps. READ IT OUT LOUD. I wish I had written down why, but I intend to do it all the same. I always read my Bible to myself, I wonder if it will really make a difference to read it out loud.

*Don't just believe IN Him, Believe Him at his word.
This also seems simple, but is SO profound.

BRF - Psalm 119

2007-02-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

Being the SIMPLE, black and white, no frills type person I am, I have never enjoyed literature much. I prefer everything to be quick and to the point so I wasn’t really expecting to get much or enjoy much from this Psalm. I love that I was so wrong.

It is all I can do to write my review before reading the others! I use the Message, so my wording may be slightly different.

What I found in this Psalm is that almost every stanza includes the same 4 basic principles simply reworded: Teach me, help me meditate on your Word, help me live by the Word, and don’t let go of me.

Here are a few synonyms…every one says so much to me.

Train me: I learn the pattern of your righteous ways, show me, give me clear directions, breathe your wisdom over me

Meditate: Look for your truth and wisdom, watch for your words, treasuring your revelation, when I take a long careful look at your ways, keep a steady gaze, haven’t relaxed my grip on your counsel, reverently ponder it all day long, concentrate, absorb, lovingly embrace, honor your words,

Live the Word: I post your road signs, stay the course, my whole life one long obedient response, trust your words, In step with your word

Don’t let me go: Don’t ever walk off and leave me, build me up again, Get me on my feet again, hold me tight, revive me, save me, stick with me and I’ll be all right, should I wander seek me.

One of the most striking things I found is the BOLDNESS of the author. He plainly tells God don’t walk away and leave me. He pleads and demands it. The passion amazed me.

Approximately the first half seems to be the author acknowledging that he needs to be taught, meditating and living on the word and demands God not to let go of him…he implies softly that he himself is who he needs to be saved from. The second half shifts slightly to the author acknowledging that he still has enemies but he himself isn’t so much one of them and that he is stating more in a past tense you did teach me, I did meditate so that I could live by the Word, but I still need you to not let go of me.

That just about sums it up, but there are other very important messages to be found. I personally have been trying to make a decision about where to serve at my church…whether to stay in a particular place or to make a move to fill another need.

“Let those who fear you turn to me
for evidence of you wise guidance” Psalm 119:78

HELP!

2007-02-21T10:42:00.000-08:00

I need some parenting advice! I have a teen who LOVES to talk on the phone...past her cut off time of 10 on school nights. We seem to go round and round on this issue. We periodically discuss various rules and make changes as she ages and matures...and learns to adhere to the rules as given. I recently extended her talking curfew on Friday and Saturday nights, but I firmly believe that 10 is late enough on school nights. She knows if there is a special event that if she asks and proves her case..."Momma I know calling past 10 will not disturb her family and I really want to tell her what happened today, please can I have 10 minutes" .... I usually allow it. She has always been a great kid...the kind that you tell ONCE in her lifetime do not jump on the bed (or whatever) and she never ever does it again...until the teen years hit. Other than housework or lack of really, the phone is the biggest issue we have.

To ground a kid from their cell phone (all we had until recently) is quite an inconvenience for parents. We either take it away completely and then have an issue keeping up with them or allow them to keep it and only call us. Neither option is good. To take it away totally means we cannot call them when we need them (this is a bigger issue for a single working mom like me than one that picks up their teens from school and chauffer them to and from work and sporting events). In the past I have chosen the second option to allow her to keep the phone but only call me or answer my calls. This seems to me similar to dangling candy in front of a small child and expecting them not to eat, but it was the option I chose.

I have tried to go really soft with minimal grounding time, I have left the time period open ended and lifted the grounding when I saw an attitude change, and I have grounded her for a day for every minute over curfew. She knew when I went soft if that solution did not work the next punishment would be a day of no phone for every minute past curfew. She went 40 minutes past curfew within a few weeks. After 40 days of no phone she got her full privileges back 2 weeks ago. Last night she was on the phone til 10:25. Since she has been old enough to write, part of her punishment for any wrong doing has been to write a paper including: what rule was broken; what she was thinking at the time; why she did it; how will she correct the issue; what does she think is a fair punishment; and whatever else I think of just to add a little more PAIN to the paper writing process. She hates this part of the punishment as much or more than the grounding or whatever.

Nothing seems to be helping. Should I expect a change or just..ride the ride going thru the circle of crime and punishment hoping the lesson is being learned even if there is no immediate change in behavior?

I question myself on all issues especially this one wondering if it is just a normal part of the teen years or is it an unrealistic rule. Some I had to change or get rid of all together after through reevaluation but this one I think is a good one as is. To me there is more for her to learn here than just when to get off the phone. It is self discipline, following rules you do not like, and planning ahead to be sure that commitments (curfews) are met. She has always been mature for her age and usually I can appeal to her mentally. She agrees with the other house rules, so this one is unlike the others and cannot be punished the same. It really is more than just phone use.

I would like some advice, even if you don't have teens what do you remember from your own teen years that might be helpful?

Secret

2007-02-14T14:06:00.000-08:00

I have never been good at keeping secrets. Just not my thing I guess. Today I have a secret that I am just busting at the seams to tell...so I figure this is the best spot. If by chance you know me outside of my bloggity world, please don't tell.

I have a dear friend that is suffering thru the aftermath of a divorce. She is a wonderful teacher, Christian, friend, and mother. It troubles me to no end to see her suffer. Even in times of great distress she is a role model and an inspiration. I am so glad to know her.

When I picked up and moved from the Dallas area to my small town I didn't know a soul in this town. Not one. My friend was one of my daughter's teachers. When I started looking for my church home here in town we went to several ok churches but none that really seemed like home. We then visited the FBC in our area. When my teen and I walked into the sanctuary, late of course, her teacher knowing we were new in town RAN down the isle and said Hi, I am so glad yall are here to visit, come sit with me. Even now typing this it brings tears to my eyes. How often does that happen? We are still at FBC.

So, back to the secret. I put some flowers and candy by her door this morning. I didn't leave a card or anything so she will never figure out it was me! :) I have been in the best mood all day. It has been the best valentines day I have had in...well...maybe ever.

Book Review Friday

2007-02-09T12:31:00.000-08:00

Book review

I have been doing a study on the book of Esther. Here are my thoughts, please share any thoughts you have, even if they conflict with mine. I am using The Message translation primarily and using crosswalk to do word studies and translation comparisons.

The book is a historical account of events during the reign of King Xerxes also called King Ahasuerus in other versions. The main theme is God will use his people to stop evil.

In doing my studying, I have come up with more questions than answers but that is OK. I have some new observations as well.

*First of all, it seems really BOLD to me that Vashti refused the King's invitation. Was she aware that he just wanted to show her off like a child does a new toy for show and tell? Or was she annoyed that she was asked to leave her own party? Or something else?

*The King, oh where to begin? He appears to drink to much and encourage others to do the same. He also seems to question his own judgment after the drinking is done. He is conceited about his wealth and wastes money. He seems smart enough to ask for advise before making new laws, however I think is judge of character is lacking.

*One thing that really jumps out at me is a really random issue: Why in ch. 1 does the King send 7 eunuchs to get Vashti? Why not 1, or maybe 2 to keep each other company? But he sent 7. ODD.
Also in ch. 1, the King uses 7 advisors. That number again! Out of the 7, only one is known to offer a (I use the term lightly) solution and the King goes with the first suggestion he hears?

Brief over view by chapter:
1. The King bans Queen Vashti from his presence for refusing his invitation.

2. a.The King makes Esther his new queen.
b.Mordecai is used to stop the plot to assassinate the King.

3. Haman makes plans to massacre all Jews.

4. Mordecai and Esther make plans to try to counter Haman's plans.

5. Esther risks her life in an attempt to save her people.

6. King realizes that Mordecai needs to be honored for saving his life.

7. At a dinner with the King and Haman Esther exposes her racial background. Haman is hanged.

8. A new law is written to counter Haman's plot allowing the Jews to defend themselves to the death.

9. After 2 days of killing in the city and 1 out in the country an annual celebration starts celebrating their victory.

10. Mordecai is second in command.

Lavatory Madness

2007-02-05T16:15:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else think it is strange for a toilet to know with some accuracy when you are finished? I cant be the only person offended by the thought. Maybe it is my simple mind that makes it so difficult for me to understand the need for a toilet that flushes itself. Then, there are the faucets that sense when we are close and presumably need to wash our hands. I can see how this is a nice feature to keep you from using your fresh clean hands to touch a dirty handle to turn the water off, but has anyone else noticed that these faucets usually dont have enough water pressure to even rinse the soap off your hands? I think the initial purpose was for sanitation but some/MOST companies have just gone too far with the water and paper conservation. When that fun is complete, it is time for the automatic hand dryers that blow the soap around until it dries on your hands. Now that is sanitary! That certainly will prevent the spread of germs...if they are stuck to your hands in the dried soap. If there is no automatic dryer, there is the paper towel dispenser that refuses to dispense anything but shreds. At least with paper towels we have the option of using them to open the door.

I really shouldn't complain. I need to focus on the positive...at least the there arent any automatic butt wipers, yet.

What's up doc?

2007-02-01T17:08:00.000-08:00

At work today a friend reminded me of my most embarrassing moment. I shared it with her months ago one day when she was down to help her laugh. With the bugs, extra laundry, lack of sleep and add in a cold, my mood has been less than cheery the last few days. I felt the need for laughter so I decided to share.

Many years ago when I had been laid off from IBM I went to work for a temp agency. They sent me to a well known upscale real estate company to fill in for a few weeks while a woman left on maternity leave. So, I dressed up in my most conservative outfit, a fitted black cord skirt and a simple blouse, you know to make a good impression and all, and off I went. On my first day on the job most of the office 20+ men and women went to lunch to see the new mother off and wish her well. Since I was new and to get familiar with the rest of the office staff it was decided that I should go too. We went to a Mexican food restaurant, my favorite! It was the type that has one very large open seating room with lots of windows. Our table was at the front of the building, looking out a window and ALL other patrons/wait staff behind us. I enjoyed the lunch and getting to know my new coworkers. As we got up to leave I felt a draft! I looked down and felt the sides of my skirt and all seemed fine. I wasn’t convinced so I asked the girl next to me to make sure all was ok. I never got a response. She was bent over in hysterics. I am glad someone was amused. I tried to ask another new coworker for a jacket or something to cover up with because I had a slight indication something just wasn’t right…plus…I am just smart like that. She immediately started laughing so hard she was unable to help. At this point my memory is somewhat blurred…God is gracious that way. My new conservative coworkers had made such a scene that everyone in the place (remember they are all behind by behind) had to look to see what the commotion was. It was total pandemonium. The wait staff was tripping and spilling stuff from laughing so hard, people were falling out of chairs, babies were crying, ok not the last one. Everyone in the place could see what I could not. My fitted little corduroy skirt had gotten caught on a nail in the chair and when I stood up, my skirt split up the middle…in the BACK. From the knee to the waist! My rear end was pouring out of that skirt like a loaded baked pototo over stuffed with too much butter and sour cream. Under my little black skirt was NO pantyhose, NO slip, just a little pair of Bugs Bunny panties!

What's buggin' you?

2007-01-31T16:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got the call from the sitter explaining that I have to pick up Savanna because she has lice. YES, lice. The thought sends feelings of total dred to the depths of my being. I lived in Irving for 30+ years and only got it once as a kid. Since I moved to East Texas 4 years ago someone in my family has gotten it at least twice per year! It is just killing me. This is the buggiest place I have ever heard of. How can something so small be so mobile?

I used to think of people who had lice as dirty. Well, after getting it several times I mentioned that theory to the doctor. When she finished laughing she explained that in reality, they cannot live long in oily hair, or the eggs wont stick or something like that. That is why black people rarely get it. I wash my hair daily and so, my hair all but screams for them to on over! So before work this morning I had the privelege of washing 3 loads of sheets and blankets and there are several more to do before I can go to bed tonight. YEA. Doc also advised that it is not just my area...there seems to be a national epidemic of the little critters and they have grown resistant to the typical solutions. Yea again.

The Flood

2007-01-24T14:52:00.000-08:00

My Savanna LOVES to talk, sing, holler, make up words, and anything that involves (insert The Grinch voice here) noise, noise, noise, noise. Sometimes it makes me laugh, other times it makes me nuts! Her favorite Bible story is the arc. Not sure why with all the drowning and death but still it is her favorite. I read it 9 times to every one story on any other subject!

Today we were listening to "Nothing But the BLOOD" by Justin Coffield band. We recently discovered how much we love this CD...it is a hand me down from my teenager. Pathetic I know. So, we are driving along singing to the radio when I realize Savanna is singing Nothing but the FLOOD! I guess it is time to put my row down and insist on new bible study material.

Single Mom?

2007-01-19T16:58:00.000-08:00

I have been reading Kay Arthur’s book “How to Study Your Bible”. It is not a new book, so if this is old news to whoever might be reading this, forgive me. It is new to me because I borrowed it recently from a friend. It teaches how to get the most out of the Word. It suggests starting with a short book that is more literal and less figurative such as 2 Timothy. That is where I started, and still am. I have never been able to retain anything I read biblical or otherwise other than the general IDEA of the text until now. It is really awesome. I am enjoying my bible study time so much more than I ever have before.

In reading 2 Timothy over and over doing my careful study of the book I realized that we hear about Timothy’s mom and grandma, but there is no mention (at least not in 2 Timothy) of his father or grandfather. As a single mom I find this VERY interesting, and inspirational. I have read this book before but never have I learned so much from something that is NOT written. If this seems odd, forgive me again, I am still new at this. I became a follower just in the last 4 years. So, back to Timothy. I am left wondering if the males in his family were deceased, or unbelievers, or even just not around. In any case I find hope as a single mom that it IS possible to be and raise a child to be a follower. J Being the type of person that constantly looks for, no, NEEDS confirmation, this makes me happy.

I am at the point in the book study where I need to do some word studies is Greek and Hebrew. I would rather look the info up online instead of buying several word study books. Can anyone suggest a good (by good I mean free) resource?

New Orleans again

2007-01-15T17:24:00.000-08:00

Wednesday I went back to New Orleans. I enjoyed the trip. I went with several people from my church, most of which I didn’t know very well until now. That was the best part, as always. We gutted a building that is used by a church to feed kids hot meals after school and it also feeds and houses about 20 men in a substance abuse recovery program. The buildings are all connected, and we worked in a large room about 1200 sq ft. that had a balcony type thing in the back third of the building. We tore the balcony down, replaced the front and back doors, and cut a doorway out of the brick. We spackled all the holes in the sheetrock, painted, we removed a fridge and a MASSIVE safe. We tore up the flooring, part of which was solid concrete and the other was wood. We filled a 30 foot dumpster TWICE with debris. We also fed the entire block catfish, shrimp, fries, jambalaya, hush puppies and coleslaw…about 125 came. The leftovers fed a homeless shelter.

We toured the church that my church fixed up last year. It is STILL the only one within many miles that is operational, and two other congregations use the building. It is in the upper ninth ward just over a bridge from the lower ninth ward and was totally ruined except for the outer brick structure. It looks amazing. Then we toured the lower ninth…It is much better than it was last year when I went. Last year there were houses that had floated into the streets, rusty cars everywhere and cars and refrigerators up in trees. All of that has been removed but the area is still totally empty other than the few work crews and church teams. The houses are still uninhabitable, most if not all will have to be demolished.

I hope to have before and after photos posted soon.

Pity parties and birthday parties

2007-01-06T20:13:00.000-08:00

Today is my first born's 16th birthday. She had a nice almost surprise birthday party last night. She brilliantly figured it out as soon as her friend text messaged me on accident instead of her... "How are we gonna get Bri outta the house?" Innocent mistake I guess, I am surprised Bri didn't find out sooner. Lesson here: It isn't always best to have your family cell plan numbers one digit away from the others!

As I sit here alone at home, which in itself is a miracle since I have been BOMBARDED with teens since yesterday, I wonder how my 5 pound preemie is now 16 and at the movies til midnight. I am happy for her to be at this point in her life. BUT as I sit here alone thinking back thru the years I can feel the hairs on my head turning grey. I am weepy and I just hate when I do that, especially if it is caused by a pity party.

We have been a cell only family for 4 years. My gift to her was high speed internet and a home phone. That so far has been a nice plus for me as well since I am using HER new internet connection now. Her other gift is simply the knowledge that I have found her a car and will be buying it for her in a couple of months. That sentence made me weepy again.

I just cannot believe that she is only a couple of short busy years away from college and out of the house. I miss her and she isn't even physically gone yet. Even thru the toughest of times, the worst part of the teen years for me hasn't been the attitude or the lack of help around the house or even other issues steming from the typical teenage 'wrapped up in myself' misbehavior. It has been the growing sense that I am becoming less central in her life and becoming only a PART of her life. As much as I try to remind myself that she isn't mentally moving away from me but more moving TOWARD something else and it is healthy for her...it just plain sucks.

Pity party is officially over.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-20T16:18:00.000-08:00

Some of the other blogs I read have recently had similar lists. Here are a few things I am thankful for...

I am thankful that God loves "fixer-upers"

I am Thankful for my girls, their health and the blessing they bring to my life.

I am thankful for my mom...the best mom in the world. REALLY

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for my 3 sisters, their husbands, their kids and their in-laws. I am especially thankful for the nephew who is home this season after several in prison.

I am thankful for my great nieces. I hope to have many more.

I am thankful for my job and ability to support myself and my kids.

I am thankful for my home.

I am thankful for air conditioning in the summer and a nice warm bed in the winter.

I am thankful for clean clothes to wear every day

I am thankful for food every day.

I am thankful that Bri has a love of God and service.

I am thankful that I can occasionally afford to send her on missions.

I am thankful for this week that Bri is on mission and Savanna and I have alone time.

I am thankful for a church that is mission minded and as much my home as anyplace else.

I am thankful for what started out as my small group. We have become so much more. We are friends, accountability partners, and all teachers and students. The relationships continue to grow and bless my life. I really can’t imagine not having my group.

I am thankful for pictures. A mom can NEVER have too many photos of her kids.

I am thankful for hot showers.

I am thankful for my new life in my small town.

I am thankful for every day that I do not have to live every minute in fear.

I am thankful for a back yard, flowers, a dog, and a pregnant cat.

The Beer Store

2006-09-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

The Beer Store

Got your attention? The words sure got mine!

Sitting with my small group of friends sunday evening one of them turns to me and says, Kim, we had an interesting conversation with Savanna last Wednesday night. I began to think, OH MY...what now! My buddy just happens to watch kids on Wed nights while I am at screeching practice (see previous post). She said she and the other worker...that just happens to be a friend of my teenager...were watching Savanna play. They watched her put her baby doll in the car with her and say to her "Hurry up, lets go to The Beer Store"!!! My friend knows my history and that I almost never drink so she knew there was a funny story behind it. So, here it is.

Early one morning after dropping off my teen at school the toddler and I were heading back home and she states.."Mom, can we go to The Beer Store?"

I am really lucky to be alive. It is an absolute miracle these words from my then 3 year old didn't cause me to wreck the car. My little mind began to race. WHERE and from who has she heard these words? Certainly NOT from me.

When I decided to leave my alcoholic husband in the D/FW area I very intentionally chose a town close to my mom that was DRY. I take pride in my DRY town, but I do on rare occasion have a drink. Not more than a few a year so it seemed to me impossible that my child heard this awful term from me. At the time she stayed with my mother and grandmother while I worked. My mom might have a few drinks each decade and my grandmother until the day she died a month ago never had a drop so that was also not a possibility.

As all the thoughts were racing in my mind we stopped at a light and my daughter says excitedly "There it is, there it is! Can we go get a 'krippie treat' from the Beer Store?" I know that a krippie treat is also known as a rice krispie treat but the important thing at the time was The Beer Store. I asked why she called it The Beer Store. She looked at me as if I were blind or just stupid and carefully explained that the white thing on the glass by the door is a POLAR BEAR, and that there are all kinds of bears and that Diego talks about the others, I should watch it. So that makes it The Bear Store! Oh, silly me.

So, now I wonder how many people at my church think poor Savanna takes frequent rides with her mom to The Beer Store!

Branching out

2006-09-23T09:23:00.000-07:00

Since the loss of my grandmother and our friend, I have been trying to help my mom get involved in my church. She has been a few times, but never really got connected since she was my grandmothers; primary care giver. She has been spending lots of time going places, but not doing anything that will establish lasting relationships.

My church has an annual Christmas production that includes a drama, orchestra, and a choir. The choir stands in a set of risers shaped like a humongous Christmas tree complete with lights and greenery. It really is amazing. Since I was involved in the media production of the 'tree' last season I decided that I would always be a part of it, there is no going back...I can no longer be a mere spectator...I HAVE to be part of it. I intended to be on the media team. A position that is not noticed by the general public and one that I can just show up the week of production. Plus the added benefit of getting to play fun jokes on the poor souls who are in public view!

I came up with the idea of gently nudging my mom into joining the Choir and singing in the tree in hopes that she will get connected. SHE loves to sing AND has a nice voice. I called around to some friends from church and got urged to join so that she will. Unlike my mom, I don't have a nice voice and more accurately, I. CANNOT. SING. Not only is there no ability, but just the thought of speaking/singing in public makes me literally sick at my stomach. It was a real problem...deciding what I should do. It made perfect sense at the time to go with mom to choir and then conveniently worm out of it once she was comfortable. Besides, the media team would need me and bail me out!

Mom and I went to the choir kick off meeting. We were immediately swarmed with loving church members welcoming us to what turned out to be my own private torture chamber. I was asked what part I sing, Alto, bass, tenor, or soprano. WHAT??? How would I know that? Ironically one of the loving church members was the very person that urged me to come 'to get mom involved'. Yea right! It was days later before I realized that I was so busy trying to 'coerce' my momma that I was totally oblivious to the fact that I was getting coerced!

I stood outside the door to the choir room thinking I can’t make my self go in there, I CANNOT do this. But with someone's slight pushing I made my way in...BEHIND my mom. After a few minutes of discussion we got our music and started to sing! SING at the kick off meeting. What is that all about? I was already having internal dry heaves, well not really but it sure felt like it. Since I was sooo clueless and didn't know what part I should sing I was ushered to sit with a seasoned member of our worship band. That helped...NOT. She has an incredible voice and they put me by her?! I don't know if I feel worse for me...or for her. I think they missed the ‘I am gonna bail soon’ memo and totally are not on board with my not so bright idea! I was immediately made to feel part of the team and THE VOICE next to me was gracious enough to direct me to the right pages every so often. Not only can I not sing...but I also can’t read music. I didn't even know there was anything to it. Even if I could have read the music, it would be much help without knowing what part I should read and then sing. I generally stayed a few pages behind, but lived thru the evening...but only barely.

The following Sunday I spoke to the media team to let them know how I had been at choir practice. I didn't even get to the end of my 'oh, what to do' sentence when I heard the most awful, dreaded words of a lifetime...OK!

OK?...OK? The media team also missed the bail me out memo.

I am going with plan B (lip syncing). Pray for me…no, pray for the audience.

Filling the branches - Kim

Anger and God's timing

2006-09-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, my Grandmother passed away. She was diagnosed with cancer in the spring at age 89. She tried chemo and radiation but they seemed to only tire her out without providing any benefits. By the middle of summer she and the doc agreed coming in to visit was also tiring her out and not doing any good so the decision was made to have hospice come out to the house to check on her.

She came to live with my mom years earlier so that we could take care of her. My mom was always by her side nursing her doing everything for her, even the middle of the night trips to the bathroom. As she continued to get worse my mother was given instructions on how to keep her comfortable. I got the news on Saturday morning while I was at work that she was no longer able to speak and respond to the family. The night before she was talking and just herself. I thought I might die from the news. By the time I got to her the wonderful hospice nurse had been by and advised that we were in the last hours and that she must have suffered a stroke in the night.

I gave myself a good talking-to on the way over there. I thought I knew what to expect and that I needed to be strong and put together for my mom and sisters. Never before have I been more wrong. My first image walking in the door was my 3 year old pleading with my grandmother..."Please Mama I talk to me". My heart just broke.

I quickly made arrangements for Savanna to stay with one of my friends from work so that I could stay overnight and be with my mom and sisters. The night was bad and hard...but Sunday morning was much worse. Her breathing was very labored and she was moaning. We could only assume that she was in pain. What a horrible feeling that was. Our only responsibility was to keep her comfortable and we seemed to be doing a poor job of it. We lost all hope of recovery. I prayed more intensely than ever...that God would take her home. He didn't, she continued to suffer for what seemed like an eternity, and I got angry. I have never understood when people have said they were 'mad at God'...now I do. I am not proud of it but I write it because I have learned so much from it.

By late morning her breathing was calmer and the moans stopped and, most of the great-grandkids and starting coming in to say good-bye.

By evening everyone was heading back to the metroplex to get ready for the next workweek...and just wait for the news. All the great-grands left and I left to take Bri to church. One sister was to stay with my mom and the other 2 were leaving. Just as they began to leave...literally walking to the door...Mama's breathing became labored and the moaning came again. After I dropped of Bri and was in the driveway of my friend to pick up Savanna my sisters called and said I needed to come back quickly. I pulled back out of the drive way and when I got to my moms she was gone.

It was several days later when going over all the past week's events that I remembered being angry at God. I quickly realized how amazing God's perfect timing really is. At the time the suffering was never ending, afterward I was able to see how God timed everything exactly right. My mom and sisters were there with her but the kids and I had just left. It wasn't apparent immediately but my absence was also well planned...it allowed me to remain strong later. The exact second that he chose was perfect. I now realize that I should not have judged others harshly when they were angry with God. I see things from a new perspective now.

A Time to Heal

2006-08-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

Recently a very dear friend passed away. It isnt as if she was young and healthy but it was still a total shock to me. I knew she had cancer, and I even knew she was in icu. But somehow it never occured to me that she might actually pass. That statement is very odd once written but in my little head, losing my friend just was not a thought I allowed in.

She actually started out as my mom's friend. They worked together for Braniff and went bankrupt with them...twice. Before the bankruptcies, were great times. My earliest memories of her were when I was a pre-teen...and rotten. We went to Vegas several times a year, and to Mexico once, and to San Francisco, and to Hawaii. I have a vague memory of snapping at her on the San Francisco trip. Probably because I was moody or not getting my way or something. At the time she was just one of many of my mom's friends that we traveled with and therefore the enemy in my mind. I deeply regret that feeling now. It was the Hawaii trip that I first remember seeing her for her. She was laughing and cutting up. I am sure looking back she did this LONG before I noticed it. It was an intricate, deep set part of who she was.

A few years later the traveling stopped, but she never let go of my mom's friendship. When my first child was born I was very young, and unmarried. Bobbie came to see me several times during my extended hospital stay. She never treated me like a sinner, or like the spoiled brat that I was instead she showed me respect that I didn't deserve. It wasn't that she went overboard to treat me a specific way...she simply treated me as if my circumstances and bad choices were just that. She didn't allow them to become who she thought of me as. Sadly, I just didn't know how to appreciate it at the time.

As the years flew by, her husband passed away and she eventually moved from Dallas to their weekend home on Callender Lake. My mom and grandmother would occasionally go spend the weekend with her and eventually they bought the land directly across the street from Bobbie and build our family a weekend home. My family spent countless weekends at the lake working on the land before and after the house was built until it was finally ready for us to stay in. Bobbie never complained, in fact she insisted that we stay with her. Our families became very close.

More years passed and I had my second child. I was married to an alcoholic and struggling every day to get to the chance to struggle thru another day. One weekend trip to the lake house turned into another disaster, but this time with Bobbie to witness it. It was this day that I realized that Bobbie was not just my mothers friend. She was my friend and had been all along. She again didn't treat me as I deserved. She treated me with kindness. She found a way to relate to my situation and although my problem didn't go away I realized that I wasn't the only person who made bad choices. I was amazed that day by how 'real' she was. She hadn't lived her life clueless to peoples problems and sins, she just graciously refused to let them define people.

I ended up leaving the Dallas area (along with the alcoholic) and moved closer to my mom and grandma. My little one stayed with my mom while I worked, and Bobbie living just right across the street came over frequently.
All thru the years Bobbie was a huge fan of my oldest child who is happiest with her nose stuck in a book. She was a great source of encouragment for her and was a great friend to her as well. As soon as the little one was old enough to talk they suddenly had an incredible bond. Bobbie and my Savanna are both extroverted and very, very, no really, VERY talkative. By the time Savanna was 3 she would say, "Gran, I am just gonna go home with Bobbie for little while." Of course, a little while in talking minutes for Savanna and Bobbie was hours in real time. We often wondered who would out talk who, but we were never brave enough to go over to find out. It is amazing to me being an exact opposite of them, an Introvert of Introverts, how they didn't just run out of things to say. Every time she went to town she would come home with some gift for Savanna. It wasn't until her funeral that I heard that she did this for lots of people. She was always picking up something that was just a perfect gift for someone. That is so special to me because she was a friend who listened and knew them well enough and cared enough about them to want to make them happy.

When she passed I was incredibly sad. It was much harder on me than I had expected. I really regret that I never took the time to realize how much she meant to me. Bobbie was saved and so my sadness was not for her...but for me and MY family. She was a grandmother to my kids and nephews. We will forever miss her and we will be blessed because we knew her.
I am hoping that writing this will help me heal.

Moms and Stinky Teens

2006-06-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

We have had a really busy couple of weeks. Bri went to camp last week, came back on Monday and then left again on Friday for a mission trip to Mexico. She will be assisting the team in ministering to the Tarahumaran Indians in the Sierra Madre Mountains. Until recently we had never even heard of them.

Bri seems so determined to be a career missionary. I dont know where her drive comes from...I am not overly driven even now but at 15 she is truly amazing. It is really scary as her mom but as a fellow Christian it is inspiring. This trip and many others she intends to take are carefully thought out and intended to be used as part of her job training. I am not sure what her responsibilites will be on this trip other than playing with the kids. The weather should be warm or hot in the day and cool at night with rain expected every day.

They will be camping for about a week with no access to a shower. She took some baby wipes and that is the extent of her ability to clean herself.
She has known for months about this trip but didn't begin getting ready until the day before she left. I thought I would go nuts. It drove me crazy that she wasn't ready and worse wasnt rushing to get everything done. Her bags had to be packed and at the church by Thursday evening. She started doing her laundry Thursday.

So, all of the above random thoughts were leading up to this one life changing questions...WHY would a mom go crazy trying to make sure her unconcerned teen gets clean clothes packed to go on a trip where no showers are available?

My Girls

2006-06-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

I love to talk about my girls. I frequently wonder if I bore everyone around me by talking about them all the time. Every conversation somehow leads me to talking about one or both of them. Here is an example of just some of the things I love about my girls.

BRI My beautiful teen
*I love Bri's spiritual gift and ability to use it. She is gifted in avangelism. She fearlessly talks about God and gets her peers to come to church, even if only to socialize at first. She wants to be a career missionary in South Africa.

*I love her 'like me as I am' or don't attitude.

* I love how she sees herself as blessed because she isn't a camel trying to squeeze thru the eye of a needle.

*I love how she packs. She starts with a huge bag of books and if there is room left over a few clean clothes (no promises on that one) will get crammed in.

*I love how she has always been close to other adults that were not even family.

SAVANNA my bubbly preschooler
* I love how she drives me crazy talking ALL the time. If her eyes are open her mouth is moving. If her eyes are not open, its a 50/50 chance she is still talking.

*I love her version of some of our favorite songs:
"I will make you fishes again, fishes again, fishes again if you follow me!"
"Arctic Edge, where adventure meets curvage"
Her favorite one to sing while shaking her head with her mouth open wide as if she really is the QUEEN OF DRAMA is "Vanna in the Popera" - Translation - "Phantom of the Opera".

*I love how she acts 15 like her sister.

Teaching the teacher

2006-06-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

Today was day 3 of VBS. I have managed to remember about half of the kids names, half being 12 since we increased to 24 6th graders. Maybe before they leave on the last day I will know them all by name as well as by ummm... attitude! Some of them I know because I know their parents but most of them I know from their temperaments. I have always heard that boys are easier to raise than girls but will never know first hand if that is right since I only have girls. I do know that the boys in our class, however rowdy, are easier to 'control' than the girls. Looking back on the day I realize how well mannered my teen is, and was at that age.

During snack each day the group leaders (Erin and I) go over a short lesson with the kids at each table. I first listened to Erin teach the lesson and then took the materials and headed to one of the boys tables. I had only begun talking when one of the boys in a casual yet courageous way takes over and taught the lesson better than I could! The other boys were chiming in with remarks too but most amazing was that they were not just words being repeated. These boys clearly understood the concepts. Several times I have noticed some of them blurt out verses and correct responses to questions even when they had been squirming ot talking when they shouldn't be. I was really impressed by them today. My lesson today was 'faith like a child'. I have new first hand understanding of this lesson that I thought I completely understood.

I really need some Godly advise but the bible doesn't have a clear example of parents regulating phone use for teen girls. Any thoughts?

Humbled

2006-06-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

19 6th graders. I left VBS and arrived at my 'real' job exhausted, sweatty, and humbled. Today was my first time to attend VBS since I was about 10. That was just a few years (decades) ago. WOW. I am always amazed by our church members and today was no exception. Mostly I was amazed by the amount of time and energy that had gone into preparing. Everywhere was proof that many people had spent an unbelievable amout of time on every small detail. When I found out about the need for workers and was 'sold' on the importance of the VBS experience I thought I was really doing something when I committed. Wrong! I just showed up for a few hours and counted heads and said BOYS! I was humbled by all the workers, decorations and organization of the whole thing. My favorite part of doing any type of kingdom work is meeting people and finding out about the person that goes with the face I see every week.

My first Blog

2006-06-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

I recently found out what blogging is. I stumbled on Rick's a few weeks ago when looking for something (important at the time) on my church web site. Now I can't stand it when Rick, Terri, Toni or Erin dont 'feed' me something new every day. I love reading everyone's adventures in mommiehood! It makes me feel more human and less of an idiot.